My Sad Day

I wondered all day what makes a person think the things they do? All day I had a feeling that this is the week where I am going to find out where I go for my transplants. Am I ready to pack up my cloths and pictures to take with me? How is it going to be living somewhere else away from my family and friends, when now is the time I am going to need them the most in my life.. Did I make this all happen to me in some way? Do I really have to make such a life decision? A decision that could cost me my own life? If I was getting married I could always get a divorce. :o) I Cant really give a heart back cause it decided it didn't want to work in my body. Why does a person wonder what flowers people will leave at there grave site? Am I so focused on my funeral arrangments that I can't think about what it will be like not having fluid on me, and feeling better. Will the last person I laughed with be able to remember that moment forever? Did I start going back to church cause I am scared of dieing? Or do I really need to be close to God, cause I am in his hands when it comes right down to it. I will be brutely honest here, my heart aches of all the fears, sadness, hopes and the "what if's?" Did God just send me down here for a short while to teach you all a lesson in life? That is to love your own life cause you never know what tomorrow brings. I was sick to my stomach all day and I felt at any moment like I might throw up. If I do die don't focus on my death. I want you to think about all the good I have brought to your life. To be gratful for one thing each day that you did. Why is it that people tell you what they mean to them at their funeral but not face to face or in a letter. I hope I changed your life in some way. You have made me wh o I am today because of you....."ALL OF YOU"

Melissa